Fun Stuff > Dungeon Etiquette

The following is a discussion of generally accepted dungeon etiquette. As you travel to various parties you’ll find that some things change. It's important that you recognize these differences and be flexible.

Table of Contents

Invitations
Getting Invited to Play Parties
Being a Good Guest
Meeting New People
In the Play Area
Bottoms
Learning
After the Party

Invitations

Many events or dungeons are open or available by invitation only. If you receive an invitation to attend an event, it is customary to keep the information on the invitation private. If you are given directions to such a private facility, you should maintain the privacy of those directions as well as any phone numbers or other contact information.

If someone approaches you requesting contact information, it is customary to forward their request directly to whomever is organizing the event. Do not place the unknown person into direct contact without prior permission from the host.

Invitations are often kept private for organizational reasons. Some facilities can only host small numbers of guests comfortably, and often it is impossible to accommodate all potential guests. Some events are targeted for experienced players and would allow activities that novices might be uncomfortable with. Other events may be targeted for novices and may be more of a show and tell environment than a serious party.

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Getting Invited to Play Parties

You'll start getting invitations to play parties when you are known in the S&M community and are noticed by party hosts. You can help this process by:

• Getting involved in the S&M community.
• Wearing scene attire at socials and other parties.
• Acting respectfully towards others.
• Being recommended by another invitee.
• Joining a local S&M or leather club

If You Do Get a Party Invitation

• Do not show off or discuss your invitation.
• Ask the host if help—food, drink, etc—is needed.
• Ask before bringing a guest and specify if they are active in S&M or not.

If You Don’t Get an Invitation

Everyone can’t be invited every time because of party size, personality clashes, or the nature of the event. Ask the host why you weren’t invited if you expected to be. If there is a problem.be courteous to the host and listen to what he has to say.

Sometimes a host will simply overlook inviting someone. This occasionally happens with couples. If you received an invitation but your partner didn’t, be sure to let the host know the two of you are together.

Common reasons for being dropped from a guest list include:

• Drunken/drugged behavior
• Overly aggressive behavior in seeking play partners.
• Reluctance to give real name, phone number or address. If you don’t trust the hosts, why should they trust you?

Being a Good Guest

Most privately hosted events encourage the guests to bring suitable beverages or finger food. Ask what is suggested when you RSVP to your invitation. For privately hosted parties, it is also correct etiquette to bring a small token for the host to be offered to them at the time of entry (regardless if the guest is paying a fee to attend). This is a gesture of respect as well as a polite thank you for the pleasure of the invitation itself.

In addition, ask your host if there is any other service that you may be able to provide on the night of the event. Sometimes additional seating is helpful such as folding chairs; occasionally you may be asked to escort a new person to the event and act on their behalf for the evening. Experienced players may also be asked to serve as a dungeon master. In such a case, you should make plans to arrive early to take any final direction from the host.

Door Opening Times

It is customary for the doors to open at a specific time and close at a specific time. This ensures that party attendees know who is around them and have had the opportunity to meet and talk with the other guests. Don’t arrive early unless you are asked to—you’ll be in the way.

Pay attention to this window of arrival time and be prompt. You may be barred if you arrive late regardless of whether you have paid in advance to attend. If you know you will be outside of the arrival window, then notify your host well in advance (24-hour minimum) to see if an alternative entry arrangement is possible.

Photographs

Cameras and other types of photography equipment are not allowed in any play space. You must have formal legal permission in writing to photograph a person in-scene, as well as the same formal legal permission in writing from the host. In-scene photography presents real and present dangers to people in attendance and is usually allowed only for specific shoots for magazines, books or event advertisements.

Uninvited Guests

Most dungeons do not allow the presence of non-invited guests. If you receive an invitation and would like to bring someone who is not on the guest list then ask your host or hostess for permission.

Many public dungeons have open nights where guests are invited to bring newcomers for demonstrations or workshops. Many BDSM organizations routinely organize events specifically for people new to the lifestyle; ask local organizations for their calendar of such events.

Attire

Attire at an event is often specified in the invitation. In general most guests are asked to arrive in suitable street clothing with any toys stowed in a nondescript travel bag or other suitable mundane container. Those bringing fetish clothing are often provided with an area to change clothes. If you do not have fetish wear, it is considered proper to wear black or dark clothing. Try to dress in comfortable clothing. Many dungeons also have facilities for showers and more personal cleaning; if you think you may need such facilities ask the host ahead of time exactly what you should bring.

House Rules

Be sure to ask your host about any house rules prior to attending the event. Often specific types of scenes are forbidden; sexual contact may be off limits unless specifically approved by the host in advance of the event. At club parties, sex as part of scenes may be appropriate. Know in advance what is expected.

• Don’t assume a person’s role: dominant, submissive, or versatile. Just because the person looks like a submissive, dont think that they would not be interested in dominating you, or vice versa. Also, jobs don’t define a person. Dungeon masters are frequently submissives. Dominants often move furniture and do hard labor. If you want to know what a person is interested in, ask them.
• Don’t bring illegal substances or guns.
• Eat, drink, and smoke only in designated areas. Usually, there is no smoking allowed in the dungeon space itself. If you wish to use smoking in a scene (cigar play, etc.), inform the dungeon master. Most dungeons will allow this in a scene, but occasionally there may be participants with asthma or other respiratory diseases for whom smoke would be a health hazard.
• Alcohol and drugs impair the mind and senses. Alcohol and drugs have no place in a scene, as their usage may easily endanger the lives of submissives.
• Alcohol may not be allowed at the party space at all. You should ask about the policy before bringing any.
• Use trashcans and ashtrays; look for recycling containers.
• If you spill something, clean it up. If you don’t know how, ask for help. Consider the material your cleaning. Some cleaners are not safe for fabrics, vinyl, or leather.

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Meeting New People

• Introduce yourself politely, don’t be a pest.
• Be honest and objective when describing a potential scene.
• Be discrete regarding name and contact information.
• Most people in attendance at an event will use their first name or a known nickname.
• Identity is confidential—do not offer your full identity, phone number, or work information, or feel compelled to divulge private information.
• Privacy is protected for all participants regardless of role.
• If you meet someone outside of scene at a later time, do not use in-scene nicknames or present yourself to them with reminders of the event. Many people keep their association with the BDSM community private and expect others to maintain that privacy.
• Be considerate of people who are shy.

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In the Play Area

• The universal safe word "red" or “safeword” are recognized by all dungeons and dungeon masters, even if the dungeon you're playing in doesn’t have a house safe word.
• Play must stop when the safe word is said, or it will be stopped by the dungeon master.
• Yelling either safe word over and over will draw attention, regardless of where you are.
• Be sure that the door to the dungeon is well closed after you enter/leave.
• Limit conversation in the play area. Talking in a normal voice is distracting to scene participants and can break concentration. If you must talk in the dungeon, use a whisper.
• Don’t crowd around ongoing scenes.
• If the dungeon is crowded, limit non-play time at a play station so that others can play. Utilize areas meant for sitting and watching, not play stations.
• Obey the dungeon master. The authority of the dungeon master is absolute; he may take whatever actions he believe necessary to ensure the safety and well being of all present.
• Respect the dungeon master(s) and cooperate as they administer their duties.
• Ask before borrowing toys; then put them back, clean them appropriately if necessary.
• Do not touch, handle, or use any other person’s equipment or toys without the specific approval of the owner of the equipment.
• Ask for help with unfamiliar equipment or techniques.
• Limit the space you need for a scene.
• Whips, crops, canes and other toys can inflict severe damage through accidental contact; protect yourself and your bottom by staying alert in scene areas
• Never move into an ongoing scene and touch or involve yourself in any way with the bottom in the scene.
• Don’t monopolize major equipment.
• Clean up after messy scenes—use a drop cloth when waxing.
• Discuss elaborate scenes with the host in advance.
• Private dungeons are often so small that only a few scenes may occur at any given time. If this is the case there is sometimes a play list that allocates specific times for each scene. Be sure to check the schedule to note your own scene time and what limits that time frame may present for you.
• It is not proper for you to offer an opinion about another persons manner, dress, or behavior.
• If you have concerns about the safety of a scene you observe, talk to the dungeon master
• If you notice upon returning home that you have come into the possession of unfamiliar toys or equipment, call your host and notify him of the occurrence and make suitable arrangements to return the objects to the facility or directly to their proper owner.
• Most importantly, entertain yourself and have a good time.

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Bottoms

• Often bottoms at parties have an opportunity their daily life doesn’t allow, and prescribed behavior and rules from their top or master may be in effect.
• The unattached bottoms present are not fair game for any roaming dominant.
• Each bottom should be treated with courtesy and respect, with his implicit rights honored and respected.
• It is equally inappropriate for bottoms to surround or present themselves en masse to available tops.
• A bottom should remember that watching a scene might be sufficient to propel himinto sub-space and impair his judgment. He may feel a rush or empathic responses to a given scene and may connect or in-scene bond to a top during the execution of a scene. This top may be completely unknown to them and therefore cannot know their hard or soft limits. It is generally inappropriate to pick up a gottom in such a condition, using his vulnerability for activities that may be only borderline consensual
• A collared bottom may not be approached, spoken to or touched by any other person without the explicit permission of his Master.Any unapproved contact is considered to be highly offensive, and such conduct may be sufficient for the offender to be removed from the facility.
• If you think a bottom is collared, yet a top is not clearly visible, it is permissible to ask the bottom if they are there with a top. There are times a collared bottom may be at a party alone and with permission to play.
• After a scene, after-care is expected. Most dungeons provide space outside of dungeon for this purpose. It is expected to move a bottom to this space once he has recovered sufficiently to move to another area.

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Learning

• Remember the host and dungeon master are there for your questions. It is always permissible to approach them looking for information or understanding. It is courteous not to ask questions in the dungeon, simply ask the dungeon master for a second of their time, or signal to them to follow you out.
• If you see a scene you’d like to try or see a reaction you don’t understand, by all means ask.
• If you want to ask a question about a scene in progress, ask the dungeon master, he is aware of what’s happing and can provide feedback or make suggestions on whom you should ask.
• Do you want to try something different? Do you have a fantasy? Ask experienced players, the host, or the dungeon master.
• Don’t be afraid to approach experienced players to learn. Just because someone knows how to play heavy does not mean that that is the only way they play. Often the best people to have a first experience with are the heavy players. They started somewhere once too, and they posses the knowledge of what works for beginners.

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After the Party

• Don’t overstay your welcome.
• Check your gear. Is what you’ve got yours? Do you have all you brought?
• Help clean up.
• Thank the hosts personally. Thank-you notes are always appreciated.
• Don’t discuss the party with people who weren’t invited

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